Words spoken over my children and us

This week I have been void of any insight, but yet I want to blog something. So I guess it is the perfect time to write down the words that spoken over us and our children on sunday. Our elder in our church had words for many people in our church, and the word he had for us was that we are right now in the perfect will of God for our lives, that things don't always go your way in the perfect will of God, that sometimes you need to fight the good fight of faith. I guess it was an encouragement. I am not the most content ever, but I am trying to get there.
As for the words spoken over my kids, Over Grace they said she was a leader. Over Audrey they said she would sing the song of the Lord, just like me, and I need to sing with her. I already do and that is no surprise to me. Over Elijah they said he had the plans, that he would say things and we would know he was speaking what we needed to do. Over Abigail, it was spoken that she would be a travellor, that she would come and go. Abigail stood there and allowed them to pray over her, she was very peaceful for one so young. She then climbed on my lap and asked to go bye bye. I believe it is because God placed that in her heart that she is a travellor.... I began to cry, it was so awesome to know she is hearing God at such a young age. Amazing!

My new favorite song

"How He Loves" by John Mark McMillan
He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath
The weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these
Afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize how beautiful you are
And how great your afflictions for me

Oh how he loves us so
Oh how he loves us
How he loves us so
Yea He loves us
Oh how

We are his portion
And he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meats earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart burns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
He loves us

Oh how he loves us so
Oh how he loves us
How he loves us so
Yea He loves us
Oh how

I thought about you
The day Stephen died
And you met me between my breaking
I know that I still love you God
Despite the agony
See people they want to tell me your cruel
But if Stephen could sing
He'd say its not true
Cause your good

Why can't you be who we want you to be?

I recently watched a movie, Martian Child, that was so full of little profound questions that spoke to me. This question, "Why can't you be who we want you to be?" in particular. Most of my life, I have felt like everyone around me was trying to fit me into a mold that THEY had made for me. I attempted to fit into their molds, but I was too clumsy and didn't fit quite right. It has been this way since I can remember, but especially since the day I gave my life to Jesus. Since then, it has gotten increasingly stronger and more forceful.

My family wasn't sure what to do with me once Jesus was my reason for existing. They hated that I spent so much time at church. They felt I was rebelling against the values they had taught me. I was asked, "Why can't you be normal like all the other kids?" I felt so rejected and like an outcast in the one place I was supposed to belong.

My church family also wasn't sure what to do with me, I wasn't quite "christian" enough for them because I came from a "worldly" family. Parents of my christian friends cringed when they saw their teens hanging out with me. I was a "bad" girl because my parents offered me more freedom then their parents did. I admit to partying at times because I longed to please my family, and that made me "bad".

As I got older, it became about wearing the right clothes to church. Or about having enough faith in this area or that area. Listening to the right music. Having the right hair. Wearing the right shoes. Rolling my pants the right way, or not rolling them. Whatever the image is that someone else wanted to project on me.

At times even it has been about what ministers labeled my call. Not asking me what I felt God was speaking to my heart, but telling me where I fit and putting me in positions that left me uncomfortable and unfulfilled. All the while, I tried to fit neatly in everyone's little boxes for me.

Why can't you be what we want you to be? BECAUSE that isn't who God made me to be... God made me to be ME...... What a revelation! I don't have to fit into YOUR box, I just have to fit into the person God made me to be. Being who He made me to be pleases Him far more then me bending into the human pretzel to be who YOU want ME to be. And He loves me just the way I am, just the way He made me.

Passion for the Purpose

Lately this has been what has been just burning in me. Renew my passion for You, Jesus. Renew my passion for the purpose You have given me, Jesus. I have been reminded of a time when I was a worshipper. Ah, yes, I was passionate about His presence. Passionate about being near Him. Passionate about worshipping with other worshippers. Passionate about His Word. Passionate about hearing His voice. Lately I haven't been nearly as passionate as I once was. I saw lack of passion in others and I lost my passion in turn. I gave up. Gave up on the purpose God gave me. It's still inside of me, I know it, still begging to come forth. I am bursting at the seams with purpose. A purpose I have been tangled up with and been fighting and resisting. Yet, even now I sit wondering how I could wrestle with something that is such a given. Music.... Psalms.... Worship.... It is my passion! Jesus is my passion and therefore worship is my passion and my purpose. It all makes sense. It is all becoming so clear to me. It's coming into focus. Ah, yes, and I say YES, LORD,YES!!! To everything You have asked of me... Yes, Lord, Yes....